Dear Friends,
I have the privilege of hosting two Mindshifters Support Groups each week. These groups teach and support people in using some of the most productive tools I have ever encountered for improving the quality of my daily life. Some very intelligent, brave, committed, creative, and industrious people have been coming to these groups for months and even years. They have applied these tools to their own lives, and support others in learning and applying these tools in their lives. (For more information about the groups click here – http://ch4cs.com/mindshifter-support-groups/ )
Recently one of our group members wrote a piece which I feel beautifully describes the type of healing and integration one can achieve through the use of these tools. I present it here for your edification and enjoyment.
I am becoming real Again.
Once, when I was eleven, I went to a sixth grade dance and it was awkward and embarrassing and nobody knew what to say and everyone pretended they did and when I got home my little brother asked me how it was. He was nine And I didn’t know how to tell him how devastated I felt I didn’t want him to know that everyone has to pretend all the time and there’s no way to actually connect with anyone Ever. So I gave him the Santa-Claus version of reality. I told him that it was really cool being in middle school because everyone danced however they wanted to and nobody judged anybody and it was So Much Fun.
Two years later, he called me on my lie. He’d been to the dance and his eyes Big Dark Sad Accused me As if it was my fault that nobody knew how to be real anymore.
Years before that, I knew how to be real. I felt what I felt and I needed what I needed and I knew what I wanted and I expressed these things as they came up. I ate when I was hungry and slept when I was tired and when the urge to create something came to me I created Something Anything And showed my creations off Proudly To anyone. I cried sadness and screamed panic and shouted anger and laughed giddy giggles in anticipation of joy And when the joy came I smiled A real smile.
It was easy Life flowed in and out with each breath and every moment was Just That Moment.
I don’t know when I forgot how to be real. I could point to dozens of events Memories that seem to stand in front of who I wanted to be, Waving a finger Shaking a head Telling me it was not okay to be the only thing I knew how to be.
It wasn’t a flash of insight or a single shift But a thousand little twists and turns Always made with a goal of gaining something The most important thing Love.
So I pretended to be what it seemed I was supposed to be Pretended the way others were pretending Pretended away all the feelings and needs and wants Until I forgot why I was pretending And then Forgot I was pretending at all.
I worked through hunger and worried through sleepless nights and smiled through sadness and clenched my teeth to hold the bitter anger back And I didn’t understand why it hurt So Much
I mean, my life was perfect. Right? I did all the things I was supposed to do and went to all the right places and kept all the ugly feelings locked away in secret boxes where no one could see them and bought things and collected things and had things and guarded things because they were MINE And still it hurt So Much
And when the pain was so big It was seeping from my pores When the pain was so big There seemed to be nothing else When the pain was so big I couldn’t stand it For one more breath I asked “Does anyone Ever Talk about Anything Real?”
Real.
Do you remember being real?
I am remembering And remembering feels like a deep breath after a summer rain And remembering feels like dark chocolate melting on my tongue And remembering feels like a gentle kiss on my forehead Cheeks Lips It feels like the thing I most wanted The thing I worked so hard to get The thing we are ALL trying So Hard to get
It feels like love Because it is.
Love isn’t something you get from someone else.
Love is what we are.
Thanks for reading!
We Come From Love, We Are Made Of Love, We Are Love. Everything else is false.